


i'll be home for christmas

by DoctorFitzy (KittooningMalijah)



Series: 25 days of ficmas 2k17 [4]
Category: Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. (TV)
Genre: 5+1 Things, And I'm not sorry about it, Angst, Christmas, F/M, Sorry Not Sorry, ficmas 2k17, this is literally just a reason for me to be sad about holden and agnes
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-12-05
Updated: 2017-12-08
Packaged: 2019-02-10 19:04:38
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 606
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12918270
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/KittooningMalijah/pseuds/DoctorFitzy
Summary: Sometimes, sacrifices have to be made in order to make progress, and the pain of those sacrifices is felt so much stronger during the time of year when loved ones are supposed to be near.OR, five times Holden Radcliffe wasn’t there for Christmas and one time he was





	1. you can plan on me

          Over the course of only a year, Holden had rediscovered what it meant to really feel alive again. He’d had inspiration for new research, projects that would change the world, love in his heart... but just one fact had been enough to undo every good experience.

          After the diagnosis, robotics and programming were further from his mind than they had ever been before, and his motivation to so much as glance at any new article that had been sent to him was entirely nonexistent. He’d thrown himself into new research for months, staying in the lab or the library as late as he could almost every night, looking for  _anything_  that could lead him to answers, to a  _cure_.

          In the end, nothing he did was enough.

          When he left, he’d gone back to Scotland. The winter was cold, and damp, and lonely, but Holden figured that was what he deserved. He’d been the one to walk away instead of sticking around, and nothing he did would ever make up for that.

          Still, giving up wasn’t an available option, either. When rain turned into ice and slush, he threw himself back into his work. His nights were once again spent in the lab and the library, up until both were closed down for the holidays.

          On Christmas day, he all but locked himself away. His apartment was home enough, not that anywhere could really be considered  _home_  to him without Agnes. Glasgow was simply the closest he’d get until the day he returned to her side. And he  _would_ , one day.

          Maybe Holden couldn’t quite give her anything spectacular as a gift that year, or even the next one, but that didn’t make his hope disappear. As he watched the rain fall just beyond the window, he counted the number of days he’d been away and imagined that he’d never left her behind at all.


	2. it's a long road back

          Staying in Glasgow had never been a long-term plan. He didn’t want to risk spending too long in one place, eager to keep his mind active so that there wouldn’t be any lulls in his research. The window he had to find a solution was dwindling, likely more rapidly than he was prepared for, and he was in constant fear that he’d run a google search and find an obituary.

          It took only a year for him to accept that he wouldn’t be able to make the necessary advances on his own. With all the money he had saved up, Holden was able to relocate to the United States, and he did research into the organization that could possibly take some of the weight off of his shoulders.

          Somehow, he spent another Christmas alone, watching the rain.

          There was no snow on the ground, and the money in his accounts was depleted by lies and fruitless hope. Of the two organizations he’d attempted to send money to, one was entirely fraudulent and the other bought out less than a month later by a government program who wanted to use the resources for a classified project. The loss forced him into a hotel room instead of an apartment, and he would have been more upset about it if he wasn’t mentally preparing to take the next necessary steps.

          If he couldn’t trust anyone else, and he had to do all of the work himself, then he had to focus. There was no giving up, not if it wasn’t too late. He still had a chance, even if it was an incredibly thin one. It  _wasn’t_  too late, and the setback of the year was just that. He couldn’t let disappointment stop him.


End file.
